Mixtape Review | Cal Chuchesta – The New CALassic

I’m actually not really sure where I should start with this one. I guess Cal Chuchesta is an MC. I guess. He’s weird. I’m not really sure what his deal is. I always just assumed that he had down syndrome or something, but it really hasn’t been confirmed. You guys know Anthony Fantano? Cal Chuchesta is actually his roommate. Is roommate one word? Is there a hyphen in there? Spell check isn’t correcting anything so that must be right. Weird. Anthony Fantano really seems to hate Cal Chuchesta a lot. I always thought that Anthony seemed like a nice person, but when you see the way he treats Cal you realize that he’s actually kind of a prick. I’m not really sure why he hates him so much. Maybe Cal… I don’t know. Maybe he fucked his bitch or something. I have no idea. Cal actually died at one point. I don’t really remember a lot about it, but he was in Hell. I think. What the fuck did Cal Chuchesta do to get sent to Hell? Maybe he really did fuck Anthony’s girl. Wait a minute… Oh shit I almost forgot. We KNOW that Anthony doesn’t hate Cal because he’s the one who was crying like a little bitch when Cal was gone. He’s the one who resurrected him. So there ya go. I guess all that information was pretty pointless for this review… This mixtape is clearly a reference to Iggy Azalea’s The New Classic album. I’ve never listened to one of her projects and I probably never will. I’ve never enjoyed any of her music and I actually find her delivery pretty offensive. Don’t even get me started on the fucking gibberish freestyles. Damn. Anyway, I’ve never heard any of Cal’s music and to be honest I’m really expecting the worst for this project. I’m not sure what the lowest rating I’ve given anything is so far. I think it was Kirko Bangz’s mixtape, Progression V. That shit was fucking horrible. Lemme see… Okay I gave it a 37… I wonder what I gave the Barter VI… Whatever it doesn’t matter. I’m expecting this to be worse than both of those projects. I don’t know tho. Maybe I’ll be pleasantly surprised. I guess.

Track 1: Intro Feat. youaintpackinmeant (Prod. Cal Chuchesta)

I have no idea who youaintpackinmeat is and I’m kind of afraid to look it up. This beat sounds kinda similar to that of No. 99 by Joey Bada$$. Kinda. This guy youaintpackinmeat is just sayin’ “Cal Chuchesta is dropping a mixtape. You should be excited.” I guess he’s also trying to say that this is a good ass year for Hip Hop. He’s not lying. He’s saying ___ dropped an album and now Cal Chuchesta did too. He named Kendrick, Drake, Meek Mill and… uh… Chingy. Chingy dropped an album this year. Who the fuck is Chingy? I don’t think I’ve ever actually heard his music. I don’t give a fuck about that tho. He talked a little about how Cal died. This really isn’t a song. He’s just introducing the project. I’m not gonna rate this shit. It’s fine.

Track 2: Hot Dinner (Prod. Jahlil Beats)

Okay this is a remix of the Lloyd Banks song Jackpot, which was later remixed by Bobby Schmurda. Is there a C in Schmurda? No there isn’t. I just checked. It’s Bobby Shmurda. Hot Nigga is cool I guess, but I just wish he didn’t put the N word in the title. Hot Nigga is every teenage white kid’s favorite song. I can confirm this because I go to a Catholic school in Raleigh, North Carolina. Needless to say, they only like it because the N word is apparently hilarious. I’m gonna be honest, if I was gonna let anyone say the N word it would be Cal Chuchesta. Jackpot by Lloyd Banks is a dope ass song by the way. It’s much better than Hot Nigga. I fuck with Jackpot. That song is dope. Hot Nigga is alright I guess. Alright lemme quit dickin’ around and listen to this song. This beat is obviously dope af. I wonder if there’s any original production on this project. Oh my God. This motherfucker is so hard to take seriously. Hahahahaha. Ok. That fucking intro where was like “Hey buddy” was actually dope af. Seriously. I’m not joking. I actually like the way he did that. That was nice. What the fuck? Am I listening to a song about food? The sad thing is this isn’t the first time this has happened. I guess he did an alright job, but this just… This is a weird ass topic. Why the fuck would I want to hear about some guy eating dinner? I do that almost every day. I don’t need to hear a song about it. The beat is dope af and the flow wasn’t that bad. It’s the same flow that Bobby Shmurda had. If you’re not taking it too seriously I guess this could be pretty entertaining. I’ll stick with Jackpot tho. Oh shit… Okay things just got a little interesting. I guess Cal is hearing voices in his head. I’m not sure if that’s normal for him or what. He kinda implies that it’s just because he’s hungry. He was talkin’ to himself about movies. I guess he’s a Nick Cage fan. I’m not really into movies. My attention span is too low for shit like that. Friday is good tho. I like Scarface too. And Barbershop. Oh wow. Cal actually does a pretty in-depth analysis of this beat at the end. I didn’t even notice that there’s a bird in the beat. Weird. Anyway, I guess this song is alright. I like the beat, but it’s been recycled, so I can’t really give him too much credit. It was entertaining tho. It was definitely entertaining. I enjoyed it, but it’s not something that I see myself coming back too. Maybe I can use GarageBand to add his verse to the original. That’s a fuck load of work tho… I don’t know. This song is alright. 3/5

Track 3: I Was Throwin’ Up On A Tuesday (Prod. Cal Chuchesta)

This is clearly gonna be a remix of Tuesday by I LOVE MAKONNEN. I had no idea that his name was capitalized. I always thought it was iLoveMakonnen, but I just looked it up on Apple Music and it said I LOVE MAKONNEN. I don’t know. The original song is fucking terrible. I don’t know how anyone could like that song. I guess the hook was kinda catchy, but I LOVE… You know what? I’m just gonna say Makonnen. Makonnen’s voice is fucking horrendous. I cannot take his music. I’d rather listen to Ice JJ Fish’s version of Tuesday than the original. Even the verse that Drake added was fucking terrible. If anyone doesn’t understand why I don’t like Drake that much, all they need to do is listen to his verse on Tuesday. Fucking terrible. I will be shocked if this song isn’t better than the original. What the fuck… Oh God… The beat… Well, the beat is different. It’s alright I guess. Well… Actually… No. No it isn’t alright. It’s not a good beat. I feel bad for shitting on Cal, but this really isn’t good. Good God. Does Cal drink? He sounds like he’s fucked up. His voice is soaked in autotune. This isn’t good. Oh my fuck. This is awful. Cal… What the fuck are you doing? I can’t believe it, but I seriously might have to give this a zero. I’ve never done that before, but I can’t find one good thing that I like about this song. The beat is awful. The lyrics are disturbing. The hook is terrible. His voice is somehow harder to listen to than Makonnen’s. For real, I think I like the original version of Tuesday more than this shit. This is fucking depressing. This might be one of the worst songs I’ve ever heard. Yeah. This is fucking horrible. This is wack af. Shit. I don’t know what to say. I don’t think I’ve made it clear how much I hate this song. This is fucking awful. This makes me not want to listen to music anymore. This makes me ashamed of myself. I want to die when I hear this song. This is probably the worst song I’ve reviewed on this website. This is pure horse shite. 0/5

Track 4: Cocoa (Remix) Feat. Pink Guy & Filthy Frank [Prod. Cal Chuchesta]

Oh God. No. Not another Cal Chuchesta beat. Fuck me. I think this is a remix of Coco by O.T. Genasis. Unfortunately, I was somehow aware of O.T. Genasis’ existence before that song blew up. I’m pretty sure he’s really good friends with Busta Rhymes. I know. I don’t think I actually ever listened to his music. I still haven’t heard the complete version of Coco. I’ve only heard snippets of it in corny vines. I have no idea who the fuck Filthy Frank and Pink Guy are. Never heard of ’em. Okay, the song is playing now. This beat actually isn’t that bad. It’s not really good, but it’s not terrible. I actually kinda fuck with it. I don’t know why. This is fucking… I coulda did without that pitch shifted voice that said “remix.” This is corny af. Pink Guy’s on the first verse. They’re literally rapping about hot chocolate. Why are they so aggressive tho? Pink Guy’s calling me a bitch while telling me that he likes to drink his grandmama’s cocoa. His delivery and flow were pretty corny. I don’t know. This topic doesn’t interest me at all. Who is this song for? I guess little kids like hot chocolate, but there’s too much profanity for this to be a “kid song.” Okay, Cal’s goin’ in now. Damn. Cal’s actually kinda goin’ in… I kinda fuck with his flow on this. What the fuck… There are some sounds of like… Licking? Is that what that is? Someone’s moaning… Is that Filthy Frank? Cal is… Oh God. No. This is disturbing. It sounds like Cal is being raped by Filthy Frank. What the fuck? I think I’m gonna be sick. This is some really fucked up shit. Fuck. Nah. This… Nah. Filthy Frank’s verse was fucking atrocious. What the FUCK? Nah. I don’t… I don’t wanna do this anymore. I’m just gonna be honest. This song is wack af. The beat was cool at first I guess, but it gets old real quick. Cal somehow had the best bars on this shit. That’s a bad thing. It ended really abruptly. Cal literally admits that he didn’t know the beat was about to stop, so he just kept going and had to awkwardly stop himself. This is fucking awful. This is wack af. 1/5

Track 5: Doody’s First Message

There are no production credits for this track, so it’s probably just an interlude or something. Okay… There’s some guy named Mr. Doodyhead. Is this a fucking joke? Mr. Doodyhead? What the fuck? He apparently works for a record label called MCH Records. I think. He couldn’t have said MCA Records. There’s no way that the founder of MCA Records’ last name is Doodyhead. Mr. Doodyhead just called Cal Chuchesta a “musical genius.” This can’t be real. I cannot believe this shit. How could anyone like this? I’m so fucking confused. I dare you motherfuckers to listen to his Tuesday remix and tell me that he is a musical genius. Hell no. Get the FUCK outta here with that BULL shit. I guess Cal is gonna sign with Mr. Doodyhead. Did he already seal the deal? (“seal the deal” isn’t something that I regularly say. I’ll hopefully never say it again) Why have I never heard of MCH Records? Whatever. I don’t give a shit.

Track 6: Parody (Prod. Boi-1da, Frank Dukes, Nineteen85 & 40)

I just downloaded the AudioMack app on my phone and it’s actually kinda dope. Is there like a premium version I can get without ads? I won’t buy it, but I just wanna know… Well, this song is a remix of 0 To 100 by Drake. Cal’s flow is kinda dope on this shit. He’s goin’ in. There was just a clip of someone pretending to be Jay Z. It sounded like Dominick Rabrun’s impression of Jay Z. I wonder if that’s who it was. Cal did his thing on this song honestly. His flow was dope and his delivery wasn’t that bad. The lyrics were stupid as fuck, but it’s still entertaining. I kinda wish he did this over some original production. I never thought this beat was that amazing in the first place. It’s not that bad tho. I’ll probably never listen to this shit again, but it really isn’t that bad. It’s alright… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That “clever girl” shit from Jurassic Park was fucking hilarious. Hahahahaha. Wow. That was fucking great. Okay. I’m sorry, but I just had to be real for that one. This AudioMack app is starting to piss me the fuck off. Ah shit. The beat just switched up and now Cal Chuchesta is singing. Now there’s autotune. This is pretty entertaining. I won’t be listening to this shit again tho. 3/5

Track 7: Be My Bae Bae (Prod. Chuck Inglish)

Oh wow. I didn’t expect to see Chuck Inglish here. That’s pretty dope. Ah fuck… What song is this from? I know this shit… I can’t remember. Fuck. Oh shit… This is the beat from Get Down by OG Maco. Did Chuck Inglish produce that song? Maybe it was just the same sample. Oh shit it WAS produced by Chuck Inglish. Well, I guess that makes sense because it’s fucking great. Who knew Cal Chuchesta was an OG Maco fan? Wow. Cal is singing over this beat. This really does sound like an R&B beat. The OG Maco version is way better tho. I never really liked love songs in the first place. Fuck. Cal Chuchesta is trying to seduce some chick. He likes to leave the turtleneck on. Good to know. He’s not really… He’s just talking over the beat. He’s talking to some chick and he’s nervous as fuck. He got rejected and now he’s crying like a bitch. “I’m just a sad boy right now.” “Too sad for this world.” I definitely fuck with this beat, but the actual song isn’t really… good. It’s alright I guess. I’ll stick with OG Maco’s version. 3/5

Track 8: Sad Boy (Prod. FrankJavCee)

This motherfucker is crying how a bitch do. What the fuck??? This beat is fucking incredible. What the fuck? Where the fuck did this come from? FrankJavCee… Good fucking job man. This hook is fucking horrible. This motherfucker is singing and it’s just terrible. It’s so bad. It’s so bad. The beat is great tho. I need the instrumental version of this shit. This is some Drake ass shit. Except this is better than a lot of Drake’s production these days. I coulda did without Cal’s part, but this fucking beat is great. I fuck with this, but I don’t at the same time. Half of it is dope af and the other half is wack af. At least he kept it short. I guess. This is alright. 3/5

Track 9: Doody’s Second Message

Cal Chuchesta is Mr. Doodyhead’s best friend now… I guess.

Track 10: Friend From The Apple Store (Prod. 88 Keys, Don Cannon & Kanye West)

This is a remix to one of Pusha T’s best songs, Numbers On The Boards. Damn… The shit Cal just said about Macklemore and the Apple Store was actually pretty fucking dope. He must have a ghostwriter. Damn. Cal’s actually kinda goin’ the fuck in. This motherfucker got bars on this shit. If you for whatever reason didn’t really like the original version of this song I would probably recommend this shit. Cal went in. It might be stupid as fuck, but it’s still entertaining. I fuck with this shit. This shit is dope. The original is still better tho. 4/5

Track 11: OG Radio Interview Feat. OG Radio & DJ Slice

I expected this shit to be a lot worse than it actually is so far. There aren’t any production credits for this song, so it’s probably another interlude. Oh shit. This is an actual interview with… Wait a fucking minute… That’s… Those are the Dubl Ds. I mean… OG Radio & DJ Slice. They both have Ds in they names. Dubl Ds. Get it? Oops. I spelled it wrong. By accident. Double Ds. Anyway, OG Radio just said that… What the fuck? Apparently… This doesn’t really make sense, but apparently Cal Chuchesta is literally signed to every record label on Earth. Metal Blade Records. Never heard of it. Oh God. Cal’s apparently fuckin’ with Taylor Swift. That’s not really a win tho. DJ Slice is gettin’ all excited. DJ Slice and his white girls… Anyway, Cal’s about to freestyle over “beat #2.” Wow. This beat is from TND Podcast. Cal isn’t really feelin’ it tho. Is that a shot at Fantano? Probably not. Okay, Cal’s not feelin’ #1 either. They finna go to “that vault.” Damn. That’s a high ass bar. The last person who went to the vault was none other than Tupac Shakur. Hahaha. Okay, now Cal’s about to go in. Oh. He doesn’t really do it on this track. It’s on the next one.

Track 12: Cal The Best (Freestyle) [Prod. L.E.S., Trackmasters & Nile Rodgers]

Hahahaha. This motherfucker’s really about to spit over the Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It beat. Okay… This is… Cal’s goin’ in I guess. I guess this is alright for a freestyle. I don’t know. This isn’t horrible… I fuck with the beat and his bars aren’t that terrible, but… What the fuck… This last verse… What the fuck? He’s doin’ the fuckin’ Iggy Azalea gibberish shit. He tried to spit like Tech N9ne, but he stumbled and turned into Iggy Azalea. That’s quite a downfall. I don’t know. His delivery and flow… Something just felt off. Maybe it’s because it’s a freestyle. Oh OG Radio & DJ Slice are about to tell Cal what they think. Damn… OG Radio wasn’t feelin’ it… It must be a OG thing ’cause I wasn’t really feelin’ it either. Damn… Slice wasn’t feelin’ it either. Cal is not pleased. He just stormed out the building. Uh… Well, Cal if you read this… I’m sorry man, but the shit was just… It was wack bro. I’m sorry. You just need to… It was… Just keep trying, man. This shit right here was wack tho… Nah. Not feelin’ it. 2/5

Track 14: I Am Angry (Prod. Brandon Thomas)

Wow. Two OG Maco beats on one project. I guess Cal’s a pretty big fan of him. A lotta OG’s involved with this shit. OG Maco, OG Radio, OG Nick Marsh… The list goes on. Well, no it really doesn’t since we’re the only three, but you know what I mean. “I got good raps.” Oh fuck. Cal is really fucking pissed. It’s almost scary. This motherfucker is about to pass out. That’s how pissed off he sounds. OG Radio & DJ Slice better watch they backs. I guess this is kinda cool. I fuck with the hook and his bars aren’t that bad. I don’t know. Maybe it’s his voice. He’s just… Annoying as fuck. It’s cool I guess. I wasn’t really into the original version of this song, but I kinda fuck with that more than this. I guess it’s alright. Cal had a meltdown or something like that near the end. Now he just sounds like he’s about to cry. OG Radio & DJ Slice really broke this motherfucker down. 3/5

Track 15: I Need My Friends Feat. FrankJavCee, John Sakars & 3Pac (Prod. Hit-Boy)

What the fuck? 3Pac? Who the fuck does this motherfucker think he is? This is a remix to 1 Train by A$AP Rocky. The beat is great. Not really feelin’ the hook to be honest. It’s not horrible tho. Cal’s flow could be better. I guess he sorta steps it up by the end. Frank is goin’ in now. He’s using a lot of nerdy internet words. “JK.” “Dank ass memes.” “Reality.” I guess his verse was alright. Nah. Nah. I really wasn’t feelin’ his verse. John Sakars kinda sounds like he might be related to Cal or something. His verse was alright. 3Pac… No. No, fuck you. This… Nah. I’m not feelin’ this shit. It’s not horrible. I fuck with the beat. That’s pretty much it tho. This sounds like a bunch of 10 year olds got together to make “some raps.” Oh what the fuck? Anthony Fantano himself is arguing with Cal right now. It’s kinda weird to hear them have a real conversation. Jeez. Anthony Fantano is a fucking prick. He just made Cal cry. You know what? I take back everything I said. All of the songs = 5/5. This shit is dope af. God bless you Cal Chuchesta. Anthony Fantano… I have nothing to say to you sir. Wow. Apparently it’s MY fault that this shit sucked ass. Fuck you, Fantano. Cal is still crying. It’s really sad because… God damn. His voice is so fucking annoying. Wait a minute what am I saying? Every track = 5/5? Fuck no. This shit was wack. Fantano may be a dick, but that doesn’t make this shit any better. I can’t fuck with this shit. This song was wack af. I was not feelin’ it at all. 1/5

Final Thoughts:

I’m sorry, but there’s no way I’m listening to the two bonus tracks on this shit. This shit was bad. Real bad. I’ve gotta be honest. I’m not even joking when I say I would rather listen to this shit than the Kirko Bangz project. That shit was terrible. This was too, but not as much. Cal… I’m sorry man, but you just can’t rap. Seriously. You cannot. Why the fuck did I even listen to this shit? I knew I wouldn’t like it. The delivery was fucking horrendous in most cases. Not quite as bad as Lil B, but probably on the level of Hopsin. For different reasons tho. Hopsin sounds really over dramatic and fucking stupid as fuck when he raps. Cal just sounds like a 5 year old. This is like listening to a 5-year-old rap. His flow was pretty sloppy in most cases too. I gave a song a fucking zero and I still liked this shit more than that Kirko Bangz shit. I can’t believe how bad that was… Sorry. I keep getting sidetracked. There’s not really much to say tho. Cal is just a bad rapper. I guess if you’re a fan of Lil B, Riff Raff, French Montana or Drake you’ll like this shit. Hahaha. I can’t fuck with this shit tho. It’s not good. This shit is wack. Sorry, Cal. It’s so bad tho.

Favorite Song: Friend From The Apple Store

Least Favorite Song: I Was Throwin’ Up On A Tuesday

Verdict:

46%

WACCCKK

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