Album Review | Tech N9ne – The Calm Before The Storm

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This is it. The moment has finally come. I’ve been looking forward to this day for so long. I’ve dreamed of this moment. The end is near. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. At last, I will be released from this God forsaken, cringe-filled, absurdly long-winded, formulaic holocaust of a marathon. Doing a Tech N9ne Marathon is one of the greatest mistakes I’ve ever made in my life. 2 years. I’ve wasted over 2 years listening to some of the most cringe inducing songs of all time. This was the first fucking marathon I ever started. What the motherfuck was I thinking? I’ve completed 9 fucking marathons already. This was supposed to be the first one. I’m technically not even doing a full marathon for this asshole. He’s dropped THREE fucking albums since I started this marathon. I reviewed the first one, Strangeulation, Vol. II, but there’s no fucking way I’m checking out the other two. Just those two albums put together is over 50 songs. No. Fuck that. Tech N9ne can take his overly long albums and shove them up his fucking ass. After this album, I’m fucking done. I’m never touching a Tech N9ne album again. Sorry. I just can’t take this dude anymore. I’ll just take him on features. Well, actually, maybe I will come back some day and listen to the new shit he releases. I’m gonna need a loooong, LONG ass break before I even think about doing that tho. Until I hear a new single from him that genuinely excites me, I’m done. Anyway, let’s go ahead and talk about this album in particular. Tech N9ne’s first album, The Calm Before The Storm, was released November 9th, in 1999. One of the albums that I refuse to listen to is called The Storm, and it’s supposed to be a sequel to this one. It’s also over 30 fucking tracks, so eff that. I really don’t think I’m gonna hate this album. The Worst was a decent album, so I’m hoping this’ll at least be as good as that project. This is thankfully one of Tech’s shortest albums ever, so it should be easier to get through than most of his other work. It’s still somehow over an hour tho… Smh… Anyway, every track is produced by Don Juan, except where noted. I guess that’s a good thing because he handles most of the production on The Worst, which I actually thought was a pretty well produced album.

Track 1: Planet Rock 2K (Down South Remix) [Co-Prod. Polar Bear]

Oh wow. This beat uses the same exact sample as Ball by T.I. It’s from a song called Drag Rap by The Showboys. This is the exact same song that was on The Worst; the only difference is the beat. The first verse was cool. The hook is fucking terrible. It’s definitely not as bad as the version that was on The Worst tho. Tech’s flow was fucking fantastic, even on his first album. I’m not really feelin’ this beat to be honest. Yeah… Nah… I’m not feelin’ this track. Tech’s flow was pretty dope, but aside from that this shit is fuckin’ wack to me. I can’t fuck with this shit. 2/5

Track 2: Cloudy-Eyed Stroll

This beat is dope af. It really sounds like Don Juan was heavily inspired by Dr. Dre’s G-Funk style. I could see a gang of West Coast MC’s hoppin’ on this beat. The first verse was pretty dope. I’m really not feelin’ this hook. Who the hell is that singing? Is that Don Juan? It’s… uh… It’s bad… I just listened to the entire song. It’s not wack. It’s not really bad tho. I really liked the beat, and Tech did his thing. It’s just the hook. The hook really ruins this shit for me. This song isn’t too bad. I kinda enjoyed it, but I’d never listen to it again. It’s decent. 3/5

Track 3: Flipside (Rough Version) [Prod. QDIII]

Oh my fucking God… ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME, TECH? Jesus fuck. He starts this song with a FUCKING sex skit. Why… WHY? WHYYYY? Smh. I’ll never understand why the fuck rappers think I wanna hear that shit. What do they think their listeners are doing when they listen to this shit? Do they really think it’s enjoyable for us? Do they not realize how fucking uncomfortable it is to listen to this shit? I just don’t fucking get it… I’m not feelin’ this beat. Eugh… Pornocore. Tech N9ne and his fucking Pornocore. This is one of the main reasons why I fucking hate this dude’s music. I don’t get the appeal of this kinda shit. The hook is fuckin’ terrible. I’m not feelin’ this shit at all. He’s braggin’ about fuckin’ hoes with his socks on. No. This shit is wack af to me. 1/5

Track 4: Mizzizy Gets Bizzy Feat. Don Juan

This beat is cool. This is definitely the most tolerable hook on the album so far, but I’m still not feelin’ it. The title for this song is corny as fuck by the way. I just think it’s so fuckin’ lame how he tries to come up with these cringe inducing slang terms that nobody fuckin’ uses. Whenever he’s introducing himself in interviews he’s like “This be the one them call Tech N9ne, y’know what I’m sizzlin’?” Just say that shit out loud, but replace his name with your name. Say it, and try not to feel like a complete jackass. It’s impossible. Nobody fuckin’ talks like that. I don’t even fuckin’ think Tech talks like that unintentionally. I think he thinks it sounds cool, so he says it whenever he’s in the public eye. It’s not fucking cool tho. It’s just corny. Don Juan’s verse was fine. “The Hitler of Rap; enemies in my gas chamber.” Ugh… This shit is boring as hell to be honest. Tech’s verse was pretty fuckin’ dope tho. I’m not feelin’ this shit. I mean, it’s decent. The hook is corny, and Don Juan’s verse didn’t really do shit for me. The beat was kinda boring too. Idk. I guess if Tech’s verse wasn’t here I would think this was wack. He kinda saved it. Well, it’s still not a good song. He made it tolerable tho. 3/5

Track 5: On Our Way To L.A. Feat. Don Juan

Oh snap. This beat is pretty dope. This is straight up West Coast Hip Hop. They’re not trying to hide their influences at all. It literally sounds like they could’ve been signed to Aftermath. It’s not something I have a problem with; I just find it kind of interesting. Don Juan’s verse was cool. Tech’s verse was alright I guess. I just think it’s so fucking corny how he made up this fake slang term “bianca” basically as a euphemism for bitch. The hook is fine. This is definitely the best song on the album so far, but it’s still kinda boring to me. I mean, it’s kinda good, but not really. It’s just a dope beat and some cool flows. They really aren’t saying anything interesting. I don’t think it’s a bad song, but I feel like if I don’t delete it now, it’ll just be sitting in my iTunes library catching virtual dust. It’s decent tho. 3/5

Track 6: Spend The Night Feat. Paul Law & Rock Money

This beat is alright. The hook from Paul Law is decent. Rock Money just bragged about getting his salad tossed. Smh… His verse was fine I guess. So far I feel the same way about this track that I did about the previous two. I don’t really have a problem with it, but it’s not good enough to warrant any repeat listens. Tech’s goin’ in now. “You can lick the barcode on my neck.” Uh… What? “How does it feel to have your nipples nibbled and pinched?” Oh fucking God… It gets MUCH worse than the lines I just quoted too. I wasn’t feelin’ his verse at all. I can’t fuck with this shit. It was decent at first, but Tech’s verse was just not good at all. This is wack to me. 2/5

Track 7: Clueless Feat. Larone Burnette & Solé

This beat is pretty fuckin’ dope. I’m not feelin’ the vocals from Larone Burnette at all. This chick Solé has a really nice flow. Her verse was actually pretty good. I’m not feelin’ this hook at all. Tech’s verse was dope. This is probably my favorite track so far. It just sucks that the hook had to ruin this shit for me. The beat’s really fuckin’ cool. The last two verses were really fuckin’ good. That Romeo & Juliet reference from Tech was actually pretty cool. It just ended. Man… I really wish I liked this song more than I do. The hook just really ruins this shit for me. It’s definitely one of the better songs so far tho. 3/5

Track 8: Questions (Rough Draft) [Co-Prod. QDIII]

This song was originally featured on the Gang Related soundtrack from 1997. This beat is pretty good. Tech’s flow is nice as hell, but, as always, the lyrics are kinda corny. Honestly, I feel like I say the same exact thing for 75% of Tech’s songs. I’m not feelin’ this hook. Tech’s dramatic delivery is so fucking corny. He tries so hard to be dark and edgy, but it just comes off lame as hell. Literally the only thing I like about this track aside from the production is Tech’s flow. I’m not feelin’ this shit. This is wack to me. 2/5

Track 9: Now It’s On Feat. Lejo (Prod. DJ Style)

This review is taking way longer than it needs to. I’m not feelin’ Lejo’s verse on this shit. He’s trying to rap fast like Tech N9ne, but something about his flow just feels off. This beat is wack. I’m not feelin’ Tech’s verse at all. “This bitch who diss this clique / Bliss is hanging that bitch by the clitoris.” God I fucking hate Tech N9ne lmao. This hook kinda sucks. It’s not nearly as bad as a lot of the other ones tho. This next verse from Lejo isn’t bad. His flow sounds better here than it did the first time he went in. So do all rappers from the midwest rap super fast like this? Or does Tech only feature the ones who do? Lejo did his thing, but I’m not feelin’ Tech on this shit. Okay, serious question here… If Tech didn’t have his signature flow, why the fuck would anyone listen to him? They wouldn’t. That’s literally the only selling point. I’m not feelin’ this shit. The beat is wack. Again, the ONLY thing that stands out is the flow. This shit is wack to me. 2/5

Track 10: Bitch Sickness Feat. Phats Bossi & Rame Royal

This album is pretty bad so far, but at least I don’t have to listen to fuckin’ Krizz Kaliko. That dude was the fucking worst… This beat is alright. The hook is terrible. Uuuugh… This is such a boring album. It’s just generic, uninspired West Coast production with “edgy” lyrics and fast flows. I’ve been neglecting to mention that Tech sometimes raps in reverse. Like, he’ll say all the words backwards. He does it a LOT on this album too. I don’t know if he thinks that shit is cool, but uh… It’s not. I mean, I’d probably think it was cool if he just did it once or twice, but on this album he does it on almost every fuckin’ track. This hook is so bad. The features on this track are decent. They’re just super average. I’m not feelin’ this shit. Pretty much everything I said about almost every other track so far applies to this song as well. This is wack to me. 2/5

Track 11: Soldiers At War Feat. Big Scoob, Don Juan, L.V. & Short Nitty

This hook is nothing special. The beat’s fine. Don Juan did his thing on the first verse. It’s not really impressive, but it’s sufficient. Big Scoob’s verse was actually pretty cool. He just seems hard as fuck. I believe it when he says gangsta shit. I can’t take shit like that seriously from Tech N9ne. L.V.’s verse was cool. Short Nitty did his thing. Ugh… Tech easily had my least favorite verse. His flow is cool, but, again, his dramatic delivery is just super lame. This is definitely my favorite song so far tho. It’s not something I’ll return to, but it’s not bad at all. It’s just decent. I wouldn’t have a problem if somebody for whatever reason decided to force me to listen to this shit again. 3/5

Track 12: Cotton Soldier

I’m not feelin’ this beat. The hook’s actually not bad at all. Tech’s goin’ in about some fake ass dude who pretends to be a G. The first verse was alright I guess. I’m still not crazy about his delivery. I just listened to the whole song. It’s decent. I just think it’s kinda boring. It’s fine lyrically. The hook is decent. Tech’s flow was cool. His delivery was still kind of annoying, but it wasn’t too bad. Aside from the production, I don’t really think anything about this song is bad. There’s still not any replay value for me tho. It’s decent, but I’m never listening to it again. 3/5

Track 13: Relish

Okay, this song is about stackin’ that sweet, sweet nectar. This beat is nothing special. Do I really even need to write a full review of this track? It’s not good. Just read my thoughts on track 10 again. That’s the review for this one. The only thing I like is his flow. This shit is wack to me. 2/5

Track 14: Mitchell Bade (Interlude)

Why.

Track 15: Mitchell Bade Feat. Bakarii

So in case you somehow can’t tell, this song is about Tech’s slang euphemism for bitch made. This beat is alright. I’m not feelin’ the hook. Oh shit. Tech’s flow on this first verse is really fuckin’ nice. Like, more so than on the previous tracks. He’s trading bars with Bakarii. This is definitely my favorite track so far. If the hook was better I’d probably like it. I feel like this track is as close to being a 4 out of 5 as a song could possibly be while still being a 3. I really want to like it more than I do, but it’s just not good enough. It’s decent tho. 3/5

Final Thoughts:

…I… I can’t believe it… It’s finally over… I’m free… I… I did it. I FUCKING DID IT. JESUS FUCK. What the fuck was I thinking? Bruh, FUUUUCK Tech N9ne’s discography. Seriously, that was a fucking nightmare. I’ll talk more about his discography as a whole on the Marathons page tho… So, let’s talk about this project in particular. Um… It’s not good. Lol. It’s actually kinda bad. It’s definitely not Tech’s worst, but it’s nowhere near his best. I didn’t like a single track on this bitch. I just think it’s severely underwhelming. Nothing really stood out at all. Generic West Coast production, fast flows, uninteresting lyrics, and weak hooks. It’s seriously one of the most average albums Tech has ever put out. I really can’t say much more than that. Unless you’re a stan, I don’t see a point in checking this out. Shit is wack to me.

Favorite Song: Mitchell Bade

Least Favorite Song: Flipside

Verdict:

48%

40-49

Tell me if I’m trippin’ in the comments below

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3 comments

  1. Hey if you don’t want to listen to all of the Storm and Dominion why not do individual solo track reviews? I know it’s not something you typically do but it would save you the time and pain from listening to those albums.

    Like

  2. I read your tirade about Tech N9ne and I was thinking 2 things:

    1) The part where you said he should take 5 years off. With the exception of a compilation album, he took a 4 year gap between Absolute Power and Everready. And you thought Everready was his worst album. So clearly time really doesn’t do anything for Tech.

    2) If you think Tech releases too much music, check out E-40’s discography. He released 12 albums in 5 years. And he releases multiple albums at the same time, so the total number of tracks each year in his albums is at least 28.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. First of all sex sells my man! Ain’t nothing wrong with fuckin’! I’d rather hear Pornocore at the club than J. Cole lol. Then again I’m ​just some cat on the interwebs.

    I like this album it’s not everyone, but I can jam the hell out to this, it’s something to pump and knock your head to and have fun with, it’s not meant to be deep homie. Personally I give this project an 8.5/10, favorite tracks include Cotton Soldier, Relish, Mitchell Bade, Clueless, Bitch Sickness, Planet Rock, Soldiers At War, Questions, Spend The Night & Now It’s On. (Though feel free to disagree with my opinions because nobody will ever agree on anything lol.)

    I’m surprised you missed the Batman reference in “Clueless”.

    If you get a chance to check out the Gang Related soundtrack, I’d love to hear your opinions on it. (it’s on iTunes and you can watch the movie on Hulu, which I also recommend.)

    Anyway, Good job Nick.

    Liked by 1 person

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