Album Review | Eminem – Revival

Oh god… Okay, here we go. This album was released on December 15th in 2017. Honestly, I don’t have too much to say before listening to this album. I just wanna get this over with as quickly as possible. For whatever reason, a lot of people seem to be surprised when I tell them I’ve never heard this album. I have no idea why though. Why the fuck would I willingly listen to what is almost universally regarded as Eminem’s worst album, especially when I’ve never even been the biggest Em fan in the first place? I don’t think this will be the worst album I’ve ever heard in my life honestly. That’s all I can say. Alright, fuck it. Let’s do this…


Good fucking lord, dude. That was insane. But like, in the worst way possible. Goddamn. I’m still in shock right now. I just… What… What the fuck happened here? I can’t even wrap my mind around this shit… This album is… Alright, you know what? I’m gonna save that for my final thoughts. Before I start talking about this full project, I’m just gonna go ahead and say that this is not the number one worst album I’ve ever heard in my life. It’s definitely up there. Probably top 10. However, I actually like one song from this album. I don’t love it, but I do like it a lot. We’ll get there though. So, this trainwreck of an album starts off with Walk on Water, which features Beyoncé, and was the lead single if I remember correctly.

pg-8-arts-eminem

I think I listened to a few of the singles from this album before it dropped, but I didn’t remember any of them at all before I listened to the full project. All I know is that I didn’t like them. I don’t think this song is complete trash though. I don’t really like the aesthetic or tone of this song; even if he was rapping super well, this wouldn’t be the kinda thing that I’d listen to.

Knowin’ that no matter what bars I come with
You’re gonna harp, gripe, and
That’s a hard Vicodin to swallow, so I scrap these
As pressure increases like khakis 😏

I actually think the second verse is pretty good, aside from his use of the R word. It’s kinda sad how the entire song is about him not feeling like he can live up to the standards he’s set in the past, especially since this album ended up being such a mess. I think the singing from Beyoncé is fine, but it’s just a bit too dramatic for me. It almost seems like this song was a warning that foreshadowed the rest of the album’s quality.

I’m only human, just like you
Making my mistakes, oh if you only knew
I don’t think you should believe in me the way that you do
‘Cause I’m terrified to let you down

I think the final verse is pretty cool. Even though I won’t be returning to it, this is a surprisingly decent song. Honestly, this track had me questioning whether the album was genuinely as bad as most people make it out to be. I was in for a rude awakening though. The following track is called Believe. It’s bad. It’s really bad. I still haven’t chosen a least favorite track from this album, but this is definitely a strong contender. What in the fuck is that weird ass, sporadic, choppy flow? He sounds like he’s rapping with Tourette’s Syndrome. He sounds like a malfunctioning robot.

Such a breeze when I pen rhymes
I just got that air about me like wind chimes 😏

The Trap beat sounds pretty generic, but I guess it’s decent enough. The first verse is terrible though. His flow is embarrassing, and the lyrics are wack.

I’m lit, and that attitude I blew up on quick
That’s why they call me firecracker 😏
I grew up on WIC (wick, wick, wick) with a short fuse 😏

The hook is absolutely horrific. I couldn’t believe how bad his flow is on this track the first time I heard it. Why is he rapping like that? His flow is usually the one thing I never have an issue with, so it’s wild that it’s arguably the worst aspect of this entire song. This is easily one of the worst songs I’ve heard from Eminem. There’s not a single aspect of it that I like. This shit is really difficult to listen to. It’s dogshit. Unfortunately, track 3 is the original version of Chloraseptic, and it’s just as bad, if not worse. I don’t really like the beat from Mr. Porter at all. This might actually be the worst beat I’ve ever heard from him honestly. The first verse from Em starts off with his signature dad joke bars, which are awful.

With this ink, you haters get rode on like a piece of paper 😏
This rap shit got me travelin’ place to place
You barely leave your house
‘Cause you’re always stuck at your pad, it’s stationary 😏
Yeah, that’s why when I brainstorm, gotta write it out 😏

The whole verse is trash.

Carin’ less who I offend wit dis 😏
I’m at your neck like Pez dispense

I don’t really care for PHRESHER’s hook that much, but it’s probably the most tolerable aspect of the song honestly. There are so many terrible lines in the second verse, it’s not even funny.

I’ll put you in your place like a realtor, boy 😏
You still ain’t in the buildin’, boy 😏
I will destroy shit, even as I build it

Every time he spits a wack line, I’m like “it can’t get worse,” but then he just spits an even wacker bar.

I wouldn’t heal with ointment
Way I’m kickin’ these fairies’ tails
Should write a children’s storybook 😏

He cannot be fucking serious, man. The second verse is fucking horrible.

Pretty apparent 😏 she’s a MILF when blowin’ me
‘Cause I conned her into
Rippin’ the condom in two
Dick is a bargainin’ tool

I wanted the song to end. I was so mad that I had to sit through a third verse of this shit. This isn’t even bad in a funny way, it’s just bad in a painful way. He was clearly trying to go for a trendier flow that was popular with Trap artists at the time, but it just sounds so awkward.

I put an end to your life, sex crime
Kidding aside, insidious vibe
Girl, you know you got the prettiest eyes
But all you’re getting is bribed
Any old lie to try to get you inside
Then we gon’ end up spending the night
And I’m skinning your hide like an Indian tribe

This is what I imagine listening to a Macklemore album would be like. It’s fucking embarrassing, man. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. This is absolute dogshit. Listening to the remix just makes this original version all the more baffling. What the fuck was he doing, man? I don’t understand… Track 4 is called Untouchable.

I appreciate what Em was trying to do with the content of this song. Atmosphere did it before him though, and they did it way better with the song Pure Evil. The first verse is tolerable enough, but that hook is fucking trash. I’m not really a fan of the first two verses at all, but they’re definitely more tolerable to me than the previous couple tracks. The white guilt bars at the end of the second verse were kinda funny. It probably wasn’t the best idea for him to rap from the perspective of a black man on the final verse. It’s not like he couldn’t have asked Royce to do it. I appreciate the Die Antwoord diss though; fuck them. Again, I respect the message of the song. I don’t disagree with Em’s politics. The problem is literally just that the song sucks ass. The beat is wack, Em’s flow is trash, and the hook is unbearable. The song is wack af. It’s followed by the second single from the album, River.

river-feat-ed-sheeran-2-track-single-222097833

I personally hate Ed Sheeran, so I already knew this song was gonna be trash. Everything I hated about The Monster applies to this song, but the rapping here is so much worse.

It’s a chess match, she’s on his back like a jet-pack
She’s kept track of all his Internet chats
And guess who just happens to be movin’ on to the next
Actually, just shit on my last chick and she has what my ex lacks 😏

I can’t believe how bad this album is, dude. There are so many terrible lines.

Says their relationship’s hangin’ by a strand 😏
So she’s been on the web lately 😏
Says maybe she’ll be my Gwen Stacy, to spite her man 😏

An Eminem & Ed Sheeran collaboration is the last thing I wanted in life. This is fucking dogshit. There’s really not much I can say about this song. All I can really do is point out the horrible lines.

This love triangle left us in a wreck, tangled 😏

Everything about this shit is awful, especially that bridge. This song is fucking dogshit. I don’t know why the fuck the intro to Remind Me is separated into it’s own track. That was completely unnecessary. Anyway, the beat from Rick Rubin is trash. Why the fuck did they choose this sample? It’s so bad, man… The first verse is terrible too though.

I spot you at first glance and go “shit!”
You wearin’ those pants that don’t fit
That butt won’t ever give up
That’s why you stick it out no matter what, huh?
‘Cause you got an ass that won’t quit

corny

At least his flow isn’t as horrible here as it was on previous tracks. The hook is fucking God awful though. I can’t believe they really sampled I Love Rock & Roll. It’s so fucking bad. This might actually be the worst song on the album up to this point.

I’m lookin’ at your tight rear like a sightseer
Your booty is heavy duty like diarrhea 😏

nigga what

This man is in his forties. This is absolute dogshit. The title track is technically a 55 second interlude, and the whole thing is performed by Alice & the Glass. It’s literally just an Alternative Pop song. I don’t know why Em thinks his fans would wanna hear something like this, but then again his fans aren’t primarily Hip Hop heads. I didn’t enjoy this at all, but since it’s just an interlude I won’t judge it too harshly. With that said, this is far more tolerable than almost any of the songs that actually feature Em rapping. Like Home is more disgusting Pop Rap bullshit. Em at least has a listenable flow on the first verse, but…

This type of pickle that we’re in is hard to deal 😏

The hook from Alicia Keys is absolutely repugnant. In the second verse, Em rhymes “General Lee” with “generally” and “not see” with “nazi.” The song is fucking atrocious. It’s cool that he’s openly shitting on Donald Trump like this, but the song is just fucking terrible. Nothing about it is enjoyable at all. I will say that it’s more tolerable than most of the other tracks up to this point, but that’s still not saying much. The only reason this is better is because his flow isn’t as terrible. This song is still wack af though. Believe it or not, Bad Husband is the song that I was dreading the most from this album, solely because of the feature from X-Ambassadors. That fucking hook is absolutely unbearable. The beat is complete trash too. As the title implies, the song is about Em’s remorse for being an abusive dickhead towards Kim. I don’t actually think the verses from Em are that bad. He probably could’ve made a decent song with these verses honestly, but he unfortunately decided to lay them over one of the worst beats he’s ever rapped over, along with one of the worst hooks on the album. The final verse is really bad too; he reverts back to that obnoxious, stuttering flow he had on Believe. The song is fucking dogshit. The following track is called Tragic Endings.

Tragic Endings

No. No more Skylar Grey PLEASE. Honestly, I never wanna hear Skylar Grey ever again, no matter whose song it is. I hate her intro on this track. I cannot stand this pop bullshit Em keeps doing. At least Em’s first verse on this song isn’t that bad. The hook from Skylar Grey is relatively decent too. I don’t despise it as much as her hook on Asshole. It’s definitely one of the best songs on the album, but it’s still bad. I like the content; Em’s rapping from the perspective of a man with low self-esteem who’s in an abusive relationship. Honestly, I can relate to this a lot. I’ve never been in this position personally, but it seems like something that’d definitely happen to me at some point in the future. I think his rapping is relatively solid here. It’s not particularly good, but it’s not anywhere near as terrible as his other performances on this album. I like the way this song ends too. Again, it’s definitely far more tolerable than the majority of the other material on this album, but I still think it’s pretty bad. This shit is wack. It’s followed by what is considered to be one of the more tolerable songs on the album by most people, Framed.

The beat from Fredwreck is actually pretty solid. This track is pretty much just Eminem doing Relapse-type Horrorcore again. The first verse is thankfully not too bad. It’s actually not bad at all. I don’t know that I can call it “good” because his flow was kind of annoying to me, but I’d understand people saying they liked it. The hook is unfortunately pretty terrible. The lines in the second verse about having Ivanka Trump in his trunk were pretty cool though. I agree that this is definitely one of the most tolerable songs on the album. Honestly, I think I’d probably like it if the hook wasn’t so horrific. It is horrific though. I wouldn’t call the song bad, but it’s definitely not good at all. I just think it’s mediocre personally. The third single from this album is called Nowhere Fast.

I’ve never been a fan of Kehlani, so I was very displeased to see her on this song. However, at this point, I can’t act like she’s any worse than Rihanna or Skylar Grey. She’s just another bland Pop artist who makes super commercial sounding bullshit. Needless to say, I don’t care for her hook on this song at all. Honestly, I think this is one of the better beats on the album, but it’s still too dramatic for me. I hate Em’s flow on the first verse too. To be completely honest with you, I was checked out by the time I got to this song, so all I have written in my notes for it is, “this is terrible.” I think it’s more tolerable than a lot of the other songs, but that’s obviously not saying much. The song is wack as hell. It’s followed by another one of the worst songs on the album for me, Heat. There are so many terrible lines in the first verse of this song; it’s insane how bad this is.

From the first time I saw you, I actually
Said to myself: “I gotta meet her” like a taxi 😏
Exactly, love affair in the backseat
Sorry if I’m being graphic
But I’m stiff as a statue you sat on a shelf 😏
I feel like I’ma bust 😏, maybe I’m just ahead of myself 😏

Rohno

This is fucking ridiculous. The beat is absolute trash, and the hook is fucking God awful too. Honestly, what else do I have to say at this point? This shit is another one of the worst songs on the album. There’s not a single redeeming quality here. All three of the verses are trash. The song is dogshit. The next track is called Offended. I get that the whole point of this song is to say the most outrageous things Em can think of, but that’s just not enjoyable for me. It’d be cool if he was just being violent, but the glorification of date rape isn’t exactly fun to listen to. His flow on the first verse is also trash. This might actually be the worst hook on the album. It’s bad enough on it’s own, but what makes it worse is that doesn’t fit in with the rest of the song at all. It sounds completely out of place, and super awkward. The second verse on this song is exactly what people are thinking of when talking about “lyrical miracle” bullshit.

Marshall, you are terrific, so smart and gifted
I’m so narcissistic, when I fart I sniff it
Do a fake dab to smell my armpits, whiff it

doc rivers

I still don’t know how the fuck I’m gonna choose a least favorite song from this album because so many of them are fucking horrific. This track is fucking dogshit. I was really in complete disbelief that there were still 17 minutes left in the album by the time I got to Need Me. Also, why the motherfuck is Pink on more than one Eminem album? This is fucking horrible. It’s literally just a Pink song that just so happens to feature a shitty Eminem verse. This is Pink featuring Eminem. That’s all I have to say. Again, I was fucking drained of mental energy by the time I reached this point in the album, so I didn’t write much in my notes. It’s dogshit though. It’s followed by In Your Head. Honestly, I was really disappointed by Scram Jones’ work here. I think he’s generally a pretty dope producer, but he did a really fucking bad job with this instrumental. This is some of the laziest sampling I’ve heard in a while. This song has the best hook on the album because it’s literally just the Zombie chorus. This entire song is Zombie by the Cranberries, except the verses have been replaced by Eminem. There also seems to be a shitty filter over the sample during the hook, which is kind of annoying. The first verse isn’t really good, but I guess it’s tolerable enough. I guess at this point I completely zoned out because I didn’t write anything in my notes about the second verse. It was probably bad though. I can’t really remember. The song is wack overall though. The penultimate song is called Castle. This is the one song that I really liked from this album. The sung hook from Liz Rodrigues is surprisingly tolerable. I’ve hated all her contributions to Em’s work in the past, but this isn’t nearly as bad as I was expecting. Just after hearing the first verse alone, I decided this was better than any of the preceding material. It’s a heartfelt song dedicated to his daughter Haile, and the way he did it is pretty creative. The first verse is a letter written to her while Kim was still pregnant, so Em hadn’t even met her yet. It’s pretty heartfelt stuff; I really dig it. The storytelling on this track is genuinely compelling. I’m not crazy about the hook, but I don’t think it’s bad enough to ruin the song. The way the song ends is pretty sad too. I really like when Em raps about how difficult his life was at the height of his addiction. That kinda stuff is really interesting to me. This is easily the best song on the album, and I was surprised by how much I liked it. This shit is genuinely dope to me. The final song is called Arose. I literally said “noooo” out loud when this song started. I cannot fucking believe this motherfucker rapped over a sample of Bette Midler’s The Rose. This motherfucker cannot be serious. Jesus… Well, anyway, with that said, this is definitely another one of the better songs on the album. Honestly, if the beat wasn’t so terrible I’d probably like it. I really love the personal content on this track, even though there are still some corny lines in here. The way he raps directly to his loved ones about being in the hospital after a drug overdose and not being able to spend Christmas with them is really moving. The manner in which the song ends is kinda lame though. It’s a really odd way to end an album. I don’t know exactly how to explain it. All I’m gonna say is that Arose is more like Castle, Pt. 2, except not nearly as enjoyable. It could’ve been really good, but there are just some really odd artistic decisions here that ruin it for me. I think the song’s mediocre overall. Before I tell y’all my final thoughts on this album, I just wanna transcribe the top comment under the Genius page for the closing track. I can’t not share this message from a user named Today34 because it’s absolutely hilarious.

Wow… This album is incredible. You have to really sit down with the lyrics on screen and listen to it in order, this ain’t no “shuffle” album. See the lyrics. No. Feel the lyrics. He has finally surpassed 2Pac at his strongest point: pulling people into his world and make it seem like you’re there.

And then… the rhyme schemes. The flows. So many different ones. And the mastery of how he uses his voice is on a whole new level.

I believe that the best is yet to come from Eminem. And yes, I followed his whole career.

They say that in Karate, when you get your black belt, you’re officially a beginner. The rest was prep work. This album was Eminem passing for his black belt exam.

Other rappers still have some belts to go. A lot of them many belts. Many will never reach black. Eminem is the first person to receive the Rap Black Belt.

I know, there have been incredible rappers. I know most of their music and appreciate it. But with the bar Em set, Black Belt Level is very high, and he succeeded getting there.

Just though. There are moments on this album where the quality dipped. It’s not a 10/10. But the next one will be. And then on…

I’m not a Stan, I know that objection can come up. I don’t even see myself as a fan. Of anyone. I don’t like that word. I see myself as an “appreciator”, if you will. And I honestly look at the quality and can be critical. Not everything someone does is automatically good.

This album need repeated listenings and closely listened to. Then it grows on you and it becomes clear how incredible it is. I love those types of songs and albums.

This is not one to just play in the background. Not at first at least.

I know, it’s just leaked. I can’t have possibly listened to it often enough to actually get to that point. I have some years and experience on me though. Enough to get there faster and fairly accurately predict that I will see the full magnificence of this album in 1-2 weeks. An prospect thing, knowing all the enjoyment that comes with such a process.

Well done Em, you passed the exam. Here’s your Black Belt of The Rap Game:

(Well, imagine it. Or anything. Maybe buy one from a Karate store and have “Rap” stitched into it in gold.)

I didn’t just make that up. This is a real comment. You know, Eminem’s stans have always been notorious, but in all my years of research I’ve never seen it taken to this level. This is unprecedented. Oh wait, I almost forgot; he’s not a stan. He’s an “appreciator.” Man, get the FUCK outta here with that bullshit. That’s one of the most pretentious things I’ve ever seen someone say about art. What makes it even worse is that this comment has 476 upvotes. Well, actually, it has 503 upvotes, and 27 downvotes. Over 500 people upvoted this fucking lunatic. This dude is in fucking denial. This is one of the craziest, most delusional messages I’ve ever read from a stan. I cannot get over this shit. Goddamn. Alright, sorry. I just had to point this shit out because it’s fucking bewildering to me.


Part of me kind of assumed that people were going overboard with the hate for this album just because Eminem has become such a popular artist to criticize, but the enmity for this project is absolutely warranted. This has to be one of the greatest musical failures of the decade. The idea that an artist of Eminem’s stature could put together such an excruciating body of work is just unfathomable. I couldn’t fucking believe what I was hearing. This is like the worst case scenario for an Eminem album. This was just fuel for all of the people who have constantly shitted on him in the past. Many of his fanatics can’t even defend this album, and the ones who do immediately lose all credibility with whomever they’re conversing. This is an irreversible stain on Eminem’s legacy. What the fuck is with all those lame ass old school Rock samples? I can’t believe he actually used that I Love Rock & Roll song. After something like that, I’m surprised he didn’t make his own version of Twisted Sister’s We’re Not Gonna Take It or Kiss’ Rock & Roll All Nite. The fact that this album is damn near 80 fucking minutes long just adds insult to injury. By the time I finally finished the project, I felt defeated. I was tired. I felt like I just ran a fucking marathon. My head was hurting. My eyes were bloodshot. My sister literally told me that I looked like I was about to cry, and I’m not even joking right now. That’s a real thing that was said to me. This album broke me. I’m just so glad it’s over. Things can only get better from this point. I’m ready to move on now.

Favorite Song: Castle
Least Favorite Song: Remind Me

22

Watch the videos below for more thoughts on this album.

L Flat
Grade: L

4 comments

  1. Do you have an album that you would say is the worst you’ve ever heard? I’m pretty sure your lowest rating ever went to that Uzi Vert album from a couple years ago. I think there was also a Trinidad James EP you gave like a 20.

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