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Why. Why did I do this to myself? What the fuck was I thinking? Tech N9ne’s music is fucking horrific. It’s so fucking bad. His music is the epitome of cringe. It’s almost as bad as a fucking Insane Clown Posse album. I mean, I’ve never actually listened to an ICP project, but I’m sure it would be just as terrible as Tech N9ne’s worst album. I don’t think I’m gonna like this. The album cover is terrible. It came out on September 12th in 2000. There’s a song on this project called Planet Rock 2K. No. That’s not okay. There’s no way that’s gonna be a good song. There’s no fucking way. Anyway, lemme just go ahead and get this bullshit outta the way. I just want this marathon to be over. I’m sorry guys, but I’m not gonna review The Storm. I’m not listening to 34 fucking songs by Tech N9ne. After The Worst & The Calm Before The Storm, I’m fucking done. MAYBE I’ll change my mind in the future, but I’ve had enough. Okay. Here we go. Let’s do this. Every song is produced by Don Juan.

Track 1: Stamina

Uh… Okay, so I guess this is the same track that I gave a 1 to on Absolute Power. I think it was a mistake to give this song a rating. I still think it’s wack af, but it’s just an intro, so I’ll give it a pass.

Track 2: Trauma Feat. Rock Money & Hannibal Lector

…Hannibal Lector? Really? Jesus fucking Christ… I swear the people with whom Tech N9ne works choose the worst fucking names… Whatever. It doesn’t really matter. The song’s starting now. This beat is actually kinda nice. Oh shit. This beat is REALLY nice. Hannibal’s goin’ in on the first verse. This is fuckin’ dope. This sounds like some classic West Coast shit. This is like G-Funk mixed with Horrorcore. I’m actually really fuckin’ with this. Rock Money sounds really good on this second verse too. What the fuck? Is that Tech on the hook? He sounds different… Woah. This is… Um… This is kinda awesome. I’m actually REALLY enjoying this. Wow. I was not expecting this… These features are way better than I was expecting them to be. They sound really good on this beat. Wow. Tech’s verse was great too. Jesus. Lmao. Man… This shit really caught me off guard. I actually really fuck with this song. This is dope af to me. 5/5

Track 3: Planet Rock 2K Feat. Don Juan & Sonya

Okay, maybe this won’t be so bad after all. It’s starting now. What the fuck? Wow. This beat is dope af too. I guess Don Juan was a pretty good producer. This sounds so West Coast. Tech N9ne is great over this production style too. The first verse was dope. I could’ve done without the more vulgar lines tho… What the fuck? Okay… Now we’re getting to the kinda shit I was expecting. This hook is absolute garbage. What the fuck is this shit? He’s singing with the same vocal effect that Afrika Bambaataa’s child molestin’ ass used on the original Planet Rock, and it sounds fucking God awful. The second verse was really dope, but this hook is unforgivable. Don Juan just spit four bars. It was fine I guess. Tech’s third verse was great. Fuck. The actual verses from Tech were really good, but that hook fucking ruined this shit. Why the fuck did he think that was a good idea? Jesus Christ. Nah. I’m sorry y’all. This is wack to me. 2/5

Track 4: Thugged-Out Feat. The ReGime

The ReGime is apparently a giant ass Hip Hop group founded by Yukmouth. There are currently over 30 members, so I’m not gonna list all of ’em. The only ones that appear on this track in particular are Yukmouth, Tech N9ne, Poppa LQ, Gonzoe, & Phats Bossi. The only ones I’m familiar with are Yukmouth & Tech N9ne. It’s starting now. This shit is ratchet as fuck. The beat’s alright I guess. I’m not feelin’ the hook from Phats Bossi. Yukmouth went nuts on this first verse. I’m not really feelin’ it… Phats Bossi’s verse was cool. Gonzoe did his thing. This song is annoying as hell. Poppa LQ’s verse was alright. Tech’s verse wasn’t bad. I’m never gonna listen to this song again tho. This shit is just irritating to me. I’m not feelin’ it. 2/5

Track 5: Walk These Shoes Feat. Nachia Woodley

This beat is alright. This West Coast sound is starting to get old to me. It’s not bad tho. Tech’s goin’ in about how privileged people who never had to struggle in life look down on people in the hood. The first verse was fine I guess. This hook is awful. I feel like this could’ve been a popular song if the hook wasn’t so unbearable. It’s got that classic West Coast sound. If I didn’t know any better I’d assume Tech is from LA. This song would’ve been decent if the hook wasn’t so terrible, but Nachia Woodley really ruined this shit. This song is wack to me. 2/5

Track 6: They’re Gonna Laugh At You

This dramatic, dark intro is corny as fuck. Oh fuck. This beat is actually pretty dope. Don Juan’s actually a good producer. I really like the way Tech was spittin’ on the first verse. The hook is alright. This kinda reminds me of The Chronic for some reason. It just sounds like really old school West Coast Hip Hop. His aggressive delivery reminds me of Kurupt or Lady Of Rage. The second verse was nice. The third verse was really good too. Alright, cool. I actually like this song. I was expecting this shit to be trash when I heard that lame ass intro, but this is dope to me. 4/5

Track 7: Niggas Feat. Don Juan

Of course Tech N9ne has a song called Niggas. This beat is alright I guess. I’m not feelin’ the hook. Fuck. Tech’s flow on the first verse is great. As anyone could’ve predicted, he’s really overdoing it with the N word. “Bill Clinton, yeah he’s a nigga like us / A nigga that smokes weed and loves bitches who love to suck.” Oh HELL nah. Wow. This song is supremely offensive. “I’m a nigga don’t like other niggas that try to keep on a plantation with the caucasian / Beware; it’s the nigga invasion.” Jesus fucking Christ. This hook is ridiculous. He’s just yelling the N word. Nah. I can’t fuck with this shit. The only good thing about this is Tech’s flow. This is wack af. 1/5

Track 8: Why? Tech N9ne

This beat is REALLY fuckin’ dope. Woah… Okay, THAT’S FUCKIN’ DOPE. The song just ended. It’s only one verse. The song is under a minute long. It’s really cool tho. The beat is really fuckin’ dark, and Tech’s flow is awesome. There’s no corny hook. It’s just a great verse over a dope beat. I definitely fuck with this track. This is dope af to me. 5/5

Track 9: Mad Confusion Feat. Hannibal Lector

This beat is alright. Hannibal’s goin’ in on the first verse. I just listened to the whole song. It’s pretty dope. The structure is very simplistic. It’s just two dope verses over a decent beat. That line from Tech about leprechauns was a little off-putting, but aside from that this is a pretty entertaining track. I fuck with this. This is dope to me. 4/5

Track 10: One Night Stand Feat. Nachia Woodley & Tuesday (Co-Prod. Freshstrated)

Oh God… Not Nachia Woodley again… Alright, let’s just get this bullshit over with. This beat is pretty nice. I’m not interested in this content at all. Y’all already know I hate when Tech raps about sex. This could definitely be a lot worse tho. The production is dope. The hook from Nachia Woodley is wack. I’m not feelin’ the second verse. I don’t wanna hear about how Tech makes girl’s pussies sneeze. That’s fucking disgusting. Why the fuck is this song so long? I’m on the third verse and I haven’t even heard from whoever the fuck this Tuesday person is. It seems like this was supposed to be the big single, but it’s way too long for that. The song just ended. Who the fuck is Tuesday? Whatever. I don’t give a shit. This song is wack to me. 2/5

Track 11: Get Blowed Feat. Bakarii, Mark Timley & Don Juan

This beat is alright. The echo effect on Tech’s vocals are pretty goddamn annoying. It’s panned to the left. They shouldn’t have done that. That was a poor decision. This song’s about getting high. Thank God. I thought it was gonna be about receiving oral sex. The hook kinda sucks. The first verse was alright I guess. I’m not feelin’ the second verse… “The only wet I’m dippin’ in is vaginas if it don’t smell like salmon.” Why, Tech? Why? Why does he have to say nasty shit like that? Does anyone actually like hearing that kinda shit? The song just ended. I wasn’t feelin’ the third verse. I don’t know why these features are listed because they’re nowhere to be found. Well, you could hear some people talking on the intro, but I don’t think they deserve to be credited as features because they certainly didn’t have a worthwhile contribution. I’m not feelin’ this track. This one is wack to me. 2/5

Track 12: I Didn’t Lie Feat. LeMani & Erin Smith

Woah. This beat is really dope. I don’t know who this is singing right now. He doesn’t sound very good. I mean, his voice is decent I guess. He just doesn’t sound very good on this song. This is really bad. The hook is terrible. The second verse was alright. Okay, that’s LeMani singing. I’m not feelin’ him. Tech’s flow was cool. This is really fucking bad… I have no desire to listen to dated 2000s R&B. This shit is wack af to me. 1/5

Track 13: Mind Of A Killer

This is just an interlude. It’s kinda creepy. It sounds like a collection of vocal samples from a documentary or something.

Track 14: The Worst Feat. LAW

This beat is really fuckin’ dope. Tech’s killin’ this first verse. Woah. This hook is actually not bad. LAW’s vocals are really smooth. He sounds good. The second verse was dope af. This is probably gonna end up being my favorite song on this album. I don’t have any problems with this song at all so far. The final verse was great. Yeah. Okay. It just ended. I really fuck with this song. This is dope af to me. 5/5

Track 15: S.I.M.O.N. Says Feat. Charmelle Cofield

This beat is really nice. The first verse was cool I guess. I liked Tech’s flow. The content is kinda lame. Basically Tech N9ne isn’t taking any blame for the bad shit that he does in life because Simon said to do it. That’s right. He’s blaming everything on Simon. I’m not feelin’ the hook from Charmelle Cofield. I just listened to the whole song. Nah… I’m not feelin’ it. I liked the beat, and Tech’s flow was cool. That’s it tho. This is wack to me. 2/5

Track 16: Fucked Up Day (Performed by Charmelle Cofield)

Okay, this beat is really fuckin’ smooth. This is pretty much just a slow Jazz track from Charmelle Cofield, and it’s actually pretty nice. She sounds good. I actually like this. I don’t know how often I’ll be returning to it, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy it. This is dope to me. 4/5

Track 17: Fucked Up Day Feat. Paul Law

Okay, I guess Tech made his own version of this song. It’s starting now. Oh shit. Okay, this is awesome. This sounds like an altered version of the previous beat. Tech’s goin’ the fuck in over it. Paul Law did his thing on the hook. Man, this is actually a really dope outro. I fuck with this. This is dope to me. 4/5

Final Thoughts:

Wow. That was actually a LOT better than I thought it was gonna be. I really like what Tech tried to do with this project. I mean, he didn’t really pull it off, but he didn’t completely fail either. I think the mixture of G-Funk & Horrorcore was really interesting. It made for some really entertaining songs. I kinda wish Tech stuck with this sound. He had a falling out with Don Juan tho, so I guess that’s the main reason why he didn’t keep rapping over this production style. Don Juan was a good producer tho. It sucks that they had to break up. This isn’t really a good album, but if the features and hooks were better I think it would’ve been dope. This project is far less corny than Tech’s later work. As always, his greatest downfall is his unreasonably shitty hooks. The production was nice tho. This is an okay album. It’s worth checking out if you’ve enjoyed a decent amount of Tech’s work.

Favorite Song: The Worst

Least Favorite Song: I Didn’t Lie

Verdict:

60%

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